yesterday i asked my sister that where u n ami,abu went? .. at first she didnt tell me, then after sometime she told me that we went to see the "girl" for u .. (my mom's friend's daughter) .. i was shocked n my mouth opened wide .. "wt? ... abi i m still left with a yr of my bachelors n then i will go for masters .. n plus i need to be stable enough to get married please for God's sake .. i wont get marry until 30" ..... "shutup .. who is saying u to get married?? .. but wts wrong in seeing a girl?? .. n baat paki kernay mein kya hai .. shaadi 2,3 saal baad ho sakti hai .. n dont think of getting married at 30 ok .. after 2 or 3 yrs u will b doing job+study .. n that age would b perfect to get married" ..... "o cmon i m not ready to get married .. a girl has its own dreams, n i m not a smart guy now" .... "wt? .. u r wt?? .. dont act like a girl .. dont speak like a girl .... just go" .......when i was passing by my mother's room, i saw my mother sitting on the bed n looking down .. i went inside .. "Wt happened?" .. "nothing" ..... "umm so did u find the girl ok?" .... "no .. ur father n me werent satisfied .. but its not the end .. abi to time hai .. we will keep looking more girls" .... i went close to my mother n sat beside her, i was trembling of the thought of getting married .... "mom i wont get married before 30 .. abhi i m not mature enough .. plus i have to make my career" .... "acha acha .. dont discuss this thing with me .. we will see .. her kaam ka aik waqt hota hai .. u dont have to worry .. just pay attention to ur studies... leave this to ur father n me" ..... she continued, "plus my dreams arent fulfilled fully ... i wanted to see u ebst in studies, but u r not .. now wt i want is to see u in a good job n being settled .. i want to see both u n ur wife doing job n ur kids leaving behind to take care of by me .. jitna jaldi shaadi ho jay acha hai .. i want to just see u with family" ......
i stared myself in the mirror .... i was thinking that how could i get married?? .. not cuz that would b an injustice to my wife .. but cuz i cant escape from my mom and :1) i dun want to get married just like that2) i m afraid to handle responsibilities (of a girl especially)3) i m afraid that whether i would be able to love my wife? (friendship is another thing)4) i wont b comfortable n satisfied with a girl5) feeling of being committed with a girl for the whole life shakes me6) after marriage i would have to quit gayism (as Islam says that after marriage the sin is doubled n in Islam practising gayism is haram)7) n the last but not the least would i b able to fuc* my wife ?? would i b able to produce children ?? will i satisfy her whenever she wants me?? will i enjoy that??
i stared myself in the mirror .... i was thinking that how could i get married?? .. not cuz that would b an injustice to my wife .. but cuz i cant escape from my mom and :1) i dun want to get married just like that2) i m afraid to handle responsibilities (of a girl especially)3) i m afraid that whether i would be able to love my wife? (friendship is another thing)4) i wont b comfortable n satisfied with a girl5) feeling of being committed with a girl for the whole life shakes me6) after marriage i would have to quit gayism (as Islam says that after marriage the sin is doubled n in Islam practising gayism is haram)7) n the last but not the least would i b able to fuc* my wife ?? would i b able to produce children ?? will i satisfy her whenever she wants me?? will i enjoy that??
the more i think all about this, the more i get crazy,depressed n lonely..... my best friend advised me (who is also a gay) ,, that dont think gayism as a problem, but as a fun .... n dont think abt getting married n all stuff now ... just enjoy ur life now n ur studies ... wt r ur responsibilites now, fulfill them .... baad ke baad mein daikhee jay ge ..... we will see ..... u will b able to make love n if not then its "that time" problem, not "this time" ........ !!!!!! ....... n so i temporarily make myself satisfied with this thought ... but whenever (like yesterday) an incident happens or i hear my parents abt my marriage future planning .. i get depressed .... however according to my sister," guys r overwhelmed of the thought of getting married .... but u r a strange case .... dont act like a stupid" ...... n i m speechless then, cuz she is rite, i never have words to reason with her, cuz i know i have only 3 words to say after her but i cant say them to her cuz that 3 words would make her completely speechless or may b unconscious, n after that i would die ...." I AM GAY" !!!
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