yesterday i asked my sister that where u n ami,abu went? .. at first she didnt tell me, then after sometime she told me that we went to see the "girl" for u .. (my mom's friend's daughter) .. i was shocked n my mouth opened wide .. "wt? ... abi i m still left with a yr of my bachelors n then i will go for masters .. n plus i need to be stable enough to get married please for God's sake .. i wont get marry until 30" ..... "shutup .. who is saying u to get married?? .. but wts wrong in seeing a girl?? .. n baat paki kernay mein kya hai .. shaadi 2,3 saal baad ho sakti hai .. n dont think of getting married at 30 ok .. after 2 or 3 yrs u will b doing job+study .. n that age would b perfect to get married" ..... "o cmon i m not ready to get married .. a girl has its own dreams, n i m not a smart guy now" .... "wt? .. u r wt?? .. dont act like a girl .. dont speak like a girl .... just go" .......when i was passing by my mother's room, i saw my mother sitting on the bed n looking down .. i went inside .. "Wt happened?" .. "nothing" ..... "umm so did u find the girl ok?" .... "no .. ur father n me werent satisfied .. but its not the end .. abi to time hai .. we will keep looking more girls" .... i went close to my mother n sat beside her, i was trembling of the thought of getting married .... "mom i wont get married before 30 .. abhi i m not mature enough .. plus i have to make my career" .... "acha acha .. dont discuss this thing with me .. we will see .. her kaam ka aik waqt hota hai .. u dont have to worry .. just pay attention to ur studies... leave this to ur father n me" ..... she continued, "plus my dreams arent fulfilled fully ... i wanted to see u ebst in studies, but u r not .. now wt i want is to see u in a good job n being settled .. i want to see both u n ur wife doing job n ur kids leaving behind to take care of by me .. jitna jaldi shaadi ho jay acha hai .. i want to just see u with family" ......
i stared myself in the mirror .... i was thinking that how could i get married?? .. not cuz that would b an injustice to my wife .. but cuz i cant escape from my mom and :1) i dun want to get married just like that2) i m afraid to handle responsibilities (of a girl especially)3) i m afraid that whether i would be able to love my wife? (friendship is another thing)4) i wont b comfortable n satisfied with a girl5) feeling of being committed with a girl for the whole life shakes me6) after marriage i would have to quit gayism (as Islam says that after marriage the sin is doubled n in Islam practising gayism is haram)7) n the last but not the least would i b able to fuc* my wife ?? would i b able to produce children ?? will i satisfy her whenever she wants me?? will i enjoy that??
i stared myself in the mirror .... i was thinking that how could i get married?? .. not cuz that would b an injustice to my wife .. but cuz i cant escape from my mom and :1) i dun want to get married just like that2) i m afraid to handle responsibilities (of a girl especially)3) i m afraid that whether i would be able to love my wife? (friendship is another thing)4) i wont b comfortable n satisfied with a girl5) feeling of being committed with a girl for the whole life shakes me6) after marriage i would have to quit gayism (as Islam says that after marriage the sin is doubled n in Islam practising gayism is haram)7) n the last but not the least would i b able to fuc* my wife ?? would i b able to produce children ?? will i satisfy her whenever she wants me?? will i enjoy that??
the more i think all about this, the more i get crazy,depressed n lonely..... my best friend advised me (who is also a gay) ,, that dont think gayism as a problem, but as a fun .... n dont think abt getting married n all stuff now ... just enjoy ur life now n ur studies ... wt r ur responsibilites now, fulfill them .... baad ke baad mein daikhee jay ge ..... we will see ..... u will b able to make love n if not then its "that time" problem, not "this time" ........ !!!!!! ....... n so i temporarily make myself satisfied with this thought ... but whenever (like yesterday) an incident happens or i hear my parents abt my marriage future planning .. i get depressed .... however according to my sister," guys r overwhelmed of the thought of getting married .... but u r a strange case .... dont act like a stupid" ...... n i m speechless then, cuz she is rite, i never have words to reason with her, cuz i know i have only 3 words to say after her but i cant say them to her cuz that 3 words would make her completely speechless or may b unconscious, n after that i would die ...." I AM GAY" !!!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Dream and not to Daydream !!
i woke up at my mom's voice, "simply baitay, there is a call for u" ............... "who's it mom? .. cant u see m sleeping" ........... "baita its Ali" ........ in no time i got out of my bed n hold the phone ........ i heard my sister from another room, "hahaha .. u see mom? .. how madly ur son is in love with Ali ..... mom dont u believe me now?" ............... i saw an incredible spark on my mom n a big smile appeared on her face, "bakwas band kero .. mujhay nahe pasand yeh pyar vyar .. pehlay perhaii khatam kero, apnay paaon per kharay ho, tub aisi batain kerna" .......... after having a talk with Ali, i hugged my mom, "umm hey mom, after studies .... i mean jub mein apnay paaon per khara ho jaon, then could i, i mean, Ali is so sweet" ...................... " haan ..... perhai wagaira khatam kero, tu jo kaho gay aur jis kay saath kaho gay, i will make u get married" ............. i just laughed heartily n rushed into my room ......... i heard my sister teasing me," hmm .... u didnt tell me wt was ur sweetheart saying .... hahahaha" ................ i just smiled shyly in return !!
when i was in my room, i called Ali .......... "hello" ... "hello love" ..... "umm u know i talked abt u with my mom, though everyone know that there is something fishy fishy between u and me; but today i spoke directly to my mom ........... n i m very very excited ... infact overwhelmed" ......... "hmm .... so it means ur mom has agreed on our marriage .... kool ...... m so excited as well ..... m coming rite now to ur home .... just get outside" ........... "wt?? man ur crazy" .......... "i m doing wt i said .... bye" .........."hello ... Ali ... listen ... hey" .......... Gosh how crazy my boyfriend is !!in no time i got his missed call n i rushed outside .... i got inside his car, hugged him, n he kissed me ........ "Gosh ali, someone would see" ............. he laughed n we went for his home ......... his mother greeted me like i am his son-in-law .... that was so sweet ......... we went for his room, he closed the door n kissed me tight on my lips ...... continued kissing below on my neck .. that turned me on n i kissed him back ..... then we were like on his bed kissing on lips n neck in turn n holding n touching each others body !!we were distracted by my phone call .... "hello" .... "ya hello .. simple i wanna come to ur home" .......... "umm hey yar i m not in my home rite now" .... "so where r u?" ........... "umm guess" .......... "o wt the ..... shit man ... ur so lucky .... u have sucha lovely boyfriend yar" .......... "haha ... thnx ... i know that .... plus u know its confirmed that i'll marry him" ............ "wow .. wt else u want yar ..... best of luck man ... have fun ... we'll meet later ... bye" .. "bye" !!!!!!!!!!
the next day when my university was over ... i saw Ali standing outside the gate ...... i first looked around me .... my friends were like staring him and me .......... i rushed towards Ali n hugged him ..........i felt proud with him and my friends staring at me..... n we went for my home ... he dropped me n went off!!he actually came to pick me cuz he wanted to tell me that he was going out of station for a month .. we both kept quiet afterwards .... i knew i cudnt do anything to stop him n that how important was it for him to go ..... plus i knew that he used to say me "though we r each others prority, but we cant escape from other essential things of our life n we have to fulfill our responsibility for those essential things .. thats pinching but thats wt reality is" ........... i just used to stare him that how boldly he says wt he feels n i was so helpless without him, but i have learned from life "u have to compromise if u want happiness ultimately" ............anyway i just went straight inside my room without greeting anyone ......... i covered my face with my hands for minutes .... after sometime i went normal ........
i found his mobile phone off .... i coudnt contact him, couldnt feel him, couldnt hear him ............. i passed 15 days terribly ............ at 16th day i was like "too much" ........ my family noticed my uneasiness n changed quiet behavior .... i didnt speak them a word abt that ...........that night i took my car out at 2am (night) ... not worrying abt the consequences of my parents getting angry ........... i drove to a park the next colony .... it was quiet everywhere ........ i got out of the car, stood in the middle of the park ... i felt tears coming out of eyes .... i was feeling so helpless n dead .... i felt no life inside me .... i was frightened ... cuz i was having that kinda feeling for the first time ..... i sat ... stood up ... sat .... stood up .... shouted loudly ........... i love uuu .. i love uuu .. i love uuu .. i cant live without u" i called him again .... my whole body shivered as i heard "hello" from the other side .................... "hello ... Ali .... o God .... o God ........ u moron ... u dog ..... u bitch ........ get lost" ................. "hey simple .... wt ru saying ... everythinz fine?? u sound terrible" ........... "its not lust ... its not lust" .................. "wt? wt r u saying? wts not lust?" .................. "my feelings for u isnt lust .... or u can say its not only lust .... its lust+love ........... if i had only "lust" feelings for u, i would have enjoyed having sex with u more .... but the feelings rite now ... when ur away ........ i mean .... the feelings could b like for a week ... but its almost 16 days .... n my love for u has gone deeper .... i havent forgot u ... infact u were always there in my mind .......... i have come to know now ... i have ..... i m in love ... seriously i m in love ........ i m in love with u Ali ..... y i m still the same after so many days ?? ... y i still want to hear u .... see u ..... y just hearing u have shivered my whole body .. why?!" ...................
i heard him crying as well, "i love u too .... u dont know .... well let it go ... just relax ... i'll back after few days ... please for me just control urself" ............. "i cant n i wont ... i am coming to ur place there ... just get out of ur home" .......... wt?? man ur crazy" .......... "i m doing wt i said .... bye" .........."hello ... simple ... listen ... hey" ........ Gosh how crazy my boyfriend is !! ( yes history repeated)i drove fast towards the other station .... it took me 3 hours to reach his place ...... i didnt think of anything else or i would have gone mad ....... i kept rejecting his calls ... it was 5:30 in the morning .... i was dying from sleep as well .... i gave him a msd call, just like he used to give me ............. in no time he came out ......... i could see his eyes red with tears .... i was like half unconscious .... red eyes ... crying bitterly ........ was wearing a pajama with a t-shirt .... i was like "in a terrible outlook" ........ he at first stopped infront of me ... we both stared at each other ..... he hugged me .. so tightly that i moaned ......... we kept hugging for like 5 minutes ...... went for his room quietly ......... sat on the bed ..... we both were looking down to the floor ...... he then looked at me .... n hold my face with his hands, "u r beyond crazy .. seriously my boyfriend is beyond crazy" ...... i laughed with tears in my eyes ... he again hugged me ....... n in no time we were there on his bed hugging .... sleeping .......... !! i woke up at 12 .. my head was like aching badly .... the first thing that i did was calling my mom ..... only i know how i lied to my mom that i was to make an important assignment n therefore i went to one of my friend's place ... though i heard my mom shouting at me but i knew that wasnt a big deal .... as my exams were near, my mom would have believed me ..... i reached back home at 3:30 pm !!i was delighted ... happy ..... calm ..... !!
the day came .... when i graduated .... i got job ....... Ali's parents visited my home .... my parents welcomed them ....... atlast the day came when we both were getting married ......... there were hundreds of ppl in our marriage .. i was looking so happy, innocent, in peace, calm and like "i have got everything" ......... Ali looked so beautiful, stud n a perfect guy !! ......i had more than awesome fun the first night ......
After a year
i was so tired that day ... i had a hectic routine .... Ali seemed so awkward as well ..... we both went first to his home n then mine n came back !! ...... meeting our parents was quiet relaxing !! .........they welcommed us so nicely ..... we both went for Murree .. hired a room in a hotel ... the atmosphere was so pleasant ... we had dinner ..... had fun at night n slept !! the life was so peaceful n like a dream !!
hah .. !
i heard my mom shouting, " simple its 10 am in the morning ... aaj university nahin jana kya??" ........... my eyes got opened ..... i felt my pajamas all wet ........ i was sweating ...... i felt my pillow all wet .......... (yes, i had actually cried, discharged n shivered in my dream) !! ..... my head was aching badly ...... i got up .... the pain in my head was unbearable ..... i got into the toilet n took a bath ............ i wore towel n sat on my bed .... i looked down at the floor ... closed my eyes ..... n felt myself with Ali on his bed hugging ...... my eyes got opened wide again ..... i felt tears in my eyes .... i atlast stood up .... washed my tears .... smiled .... n muttered, "its good to dream but its useless to daydream" !!hah!!!!!!!!!!
when i was in my room, i called Ali .......... "hello" ... "hello love" ..... "umm u know i talked abt u with my mom, though everyone know that there is something fishy fishy between u and me; but today i spoke directly to my mom ........... n i m very very excited ... infact overwhelmed" ......... "hmm .... so it means ur mom has agreed on our marriage .... kool ...... m so excited as well ..... m coming rite now to ur home .... just get outside" ........... "wt?? man ur crazy" .......... "i m doing wt i said .... bye" .........."hello ... Ali ... listen ... hey" .......... Gosh how crazy my boyfriend is !!in no time i got his missed call n i rushed outside .... i got inside his car, hugged him, n he kissed me ........ "Gosh ali, someone would see" ............. he laughed n we went for his home ......... his mother greeted me like i am his son-in-law .... that was so sweet ......... we went for his room, he closed the door n kissed me tight on my lips ...... continued kissing below on my neck .. that turned me on n i kissed him back ..... then we were like on his bed kissing on lips n neck in turn n holding n touching each others body !!we were distracted by my phone call .... "hello" .... "ya hello .. simple i wanna come to ur home" .......... "umm hey yar i m not in my home rite now" .... "so where r u?" ........... "umm guess" .......... "o wt the ..... shit man ... ur so lucky .... u have sucha lovely boyfriend yar" .......... "haha ... thnx ... i know that .... plus u know its confirmed that i'll marry him" ............ "wow .. wt else u want yar ..... best of luck man ... have fun ... we'll meet later ... bye" .. "bye" !!!!!!!!!!
the next day when my university was over ... i saw Ali standing outside the gate ...... i first looked around me .... my friends were like staring him and me .......... i rushed towards Ali n hugged him ..........i felt proud with him and my friends staring at me..... n we went for my home ... he dropped me n went off!!he actually came to pick me cuz he wanted to tell me that he was going out of station for a month .. we both kept quiet afterwards .... i knew i cudnt do anything to stop him n that how important was it for him to go ..... plus i knew that he used to say me "though we r each others prority, but we cant escape from other essential things of our life n we have to fulfill our responsibility for those essential things .. thats pinching but thats wt reality is" ........... i just used to stare him that how boldly he says wt he feels n i was so helpless without him, but i have learned from life "u have to compromise if u want happiness ultimately" ............anyway i just went straight inside my room without greeting anyone ......... i covered my face with my hands for minutes .... after sometime i went normal ........
i found his mobile phone off .... i coudnt contact him, couldnt feel him, couldnt hear him ............. i passed 15 days terribly ............ at 16th day i was like "too much" ........ my family noticed my uneasiness n changed quiet behavior .... i didnt speak them a word abt that ...........that night i took my car out at 2am (night) ... not worrying abt the consequences of my parents getting angry ........... i drove to a park the next colony .... it was quiet everywhere ........ i got out of the car, stood in the middle of the park ... i felt tears coming out of eyes .... i was feeling so helpless n dead .... i felt no life inside me .... i was frightened ... cuz i was having that kinda feeling for the first time ..... i sat ... stood up ... sat .... stood up .... shouted loudly ........... i love uuu .. i love uuu .. i love uuu .. i cant live without u" i called him again .... my whole body shivered as i heard "hello" from the other side .................... "hello ... Ali .... o God .... o God ........ u moron ... u dog ..... u bitch ........ get lost" ................. "hey simple .... wt ru saying ... everythinz fine?? u sound terrible" ........... "its not lust ... its not lust" .................. "wt? wt r u saying? wts not lust?" .................. "my feelings for u isnt lust .... or u can say its not only lust .... its lust+love ........... if i had only "lust" feelings for u, i would have enjoyed having sex with u more .... but the feelings rite now ... when ur away ........ i mean .... the feelings could b like for a week ... but its almost 16 days .... n my love for u has gone deeper .... i havent forgot u ... infact u were always there in my mind .......... i have come to know now ... i have ..... i m in love ... seriously i m in love ........ i m in love with u Ali ..... y i m still the same after so many days ?? ... y i still want to hear u .... see u ..... y just hearing u have shivered my whole body .. why?!" ...................
i heard him crying as well, "i love u too .... u dont know .... well let it go ... just relax ... i'll back after few days ... please for me just control urself" ............. "i cant n i wont ... i am coming to ur place there ... just get out of ur home" .......... wt?? man ur crazy" .......... "i m doing wt i said .... bye" .........."hello ... simple ... listen ... hey" ........ Gosh how crazy my boyfriend is !! ( yes history repeated)i drove fast towards the other station .... it took me 3 hours to reach his place ...... i didnt think of anything else or i would have gone mad ....... i kept rejecting his calls ... it was 5:30 in the morning .... i was dying from sleep as well .... i gave him a msd call, just like he used to give me ............. in no time he came out ......... i could see his eyes red with tears .... i was like half unconscious .... red eyes ... crying bitterly ........ was wearing a pajama with a t-shirt .... i was like "in a terrible outlook" ........ he at first stopped infront of me ... we both stared at each other ..... he hugged me .. so tightly that i moaned ......... we kept hugging for like 5 minutes ...... went for his room quietly ......... sat on the bed ..... we both were looking down to the floor ...... he then looked at me .... n hold my face with his hands, "u r beyond crazy .. seriously my boyfriend is beyond crazy" ...... i laughed with tears in my eyes ... he again hugged me ....... n in no time we were there on his bed hugging .... sleeping .......... !! i woke up at 12 .. my head was like aching badly .... the first thing that i did was calling my mom ..... only i know how i lied to my mom that i was to make an important assignment n therefore i went to one of my friend's place ... though i heard my mom shouting at me but i knew that wasnt a big deal .... as my exams were near, my mom would have believed me ..... i reached back home at 3:30 pm !!i was delighted ... happy ..... calm ..... !!
the day came .... when i graduated .... i got job ....... Ali's parents visited my home .... my parents welcomed them ....... atlast the day came when we both were getting married ......... there were hundreds of ppl in our marriage .. i was looking so happy, innocent, in peace, calm and like "i have got everything" ......... Ali looked so beautiful, stud n a perfect guy !! ......i had more than awesome fun the first night ......
After a year
i was so tired that day ... i had a hectic routine .... Ali seemed so awkward as well ..... we both went first to his home n then mine n came back !! ...... meeting our parents was quiet relaxing !! .........they welcommed us so nicely ..... we both went for Murree .. hired a room in a hotel ... the atmosphere was so pleasant ... we had dinner ..... had fun at night n slept !! the life was so peaceful n like a dream !!
hah .. !
i heard my mom shouting, " simple its 10 am in the morning ... aaj university nahin jana kya??" ........... my eyes got opened ..... i felt my pajamas all wet ........ i was sweating ...... i felt my pillow all wet .......... (yes, i had actually cried, discharged n shivered in my dream) !! ..... my head was aching badly ...... i got up .... the pain in my head was unbearable ..... i got into the toilet n took a bath ............ i wore towel n sat on my bed .... i looked down at the floor ... closed my eyes ..... n felt myself with Ali on his bed hugging ...... my eyes got opened wide again ..... i felt tears in my eyes .... i atlast stood up .... washed my tears .... smiled .... n muttered, "its good to dream but its useless to daydream" !!hah!!!!!!!!!!
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